There’s a wonderful video circulating on social media of James van der Beek, the actor from the TV show Dawson’s Creek, who sadly died 2 days ago aged 48 years, leaving behind a wife, Kimberley, and six children.
His message seems particularly apposite as we approach Valentine’s Day.
He said he used to identify as an actor, then as a father, husband, provider and protector.
But when he was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, he had to face his own mortality.
He realised that those identities, that he had created, had become untrue.
He became too weak to even be a custodian of his own land let alone his children.
He reflected that if he wasn’t those things then what was he.
He realised that he was someone worthy of God’s love.
And if that was true, he was worthy of his own love, and the love of others. Even if you don’t believe in God, he concluded, we are all still worthy of love. Why because of the simple fact that we exist.
This reminds me of a lovely quote from the French Jesuit Priest, palaeontologist and philosopher Pierre Tielhard de Chardin who lived from 1881-1955. He said something equally thought provoking:
“We’re not human beings having a spiritual experience; we’re spiritual beings having a human experience”.
When we ignore the commerciality of Valentine’s Day and tap into its true purpose we can acknowledge that the day is really about love. If we can connect with this impulse we can also connect with our true nature, as human beings.
You may have noticed that when you are frustrated, or irritable you may, the following day, find yourself saying something like “sorry about yesterday, I wasn’t myself”. But when we are much more loving, compassionate and kind then the “real me” shows up, and we are often much more perceptive.
There is a direct correlation between positive emotional states and the quality of thinking and our sense of selves. These three things (emotions, self and consciousness) evolved together, and they collapse together.
When we’re in a more positive, loving state we make better decisions. When we’re in a more negative emotional state we don’t think straight, and we often make poorer choices.
But it’s not just the quality of our decision making that improves with positive emotional states, such as love. Honesty also tends to increase. When you love someone, you tell them the truth. Why? Because you care more about their wellbeing than the possible repercussion or backlash that may occur if you have to share some difficult feedback.
One of my great heroes, Joseph Campbell, suggested that our modern idea of love, as something that exists in relationships, was first trumpeted by the troubadours in the 12th century and 13th century. Campbell suggested romantic love occurs when you recognise your soul’s counterpart in another. This is what the troubadours were celebrating.
This was a turning point for society because prior to this, the idea of love was more associated with Eros, the God of sexual desire. Such desire is what we'd call erotic love today. The church saw erotic love as a sin. In contrast, romantic love, was a threat to the church's authority because it involved a personal choice rather than following the authority of the church.
Choosing who you love went against existing rules and traditions. Until the troubadours spoke up the church or parents were the authority. They dictated who young girls should marry.
With the troubadour’s encouragement all that changed. Love become personal and much more self-determined, driven by the passions of the heart.
This is what Valentine's day is about. It connects us to who we really are, and to the fact that we have the freedom to make our own choices.
This is romantic love. But we can celebrate many other versions of love. In our Complete App, which is designed to help people develop much greater levels of emotional literacy and navigate through the choppy water of human experience, we identify eight different types of love.
The 8 types of love
- Romantic love
- Erotic love
- Unrequited love
- Charitable love (neighbourly love)
- Brotherly (sisterly) love
- Familial love
- Philanthropic love
- Unconditional love
So take a moment to reflect on love, and your freedoms. Is love a central part of how you live your own life. Is it part of who you really are, as James van der Beek suggested when he left us his beautiful legacy message.